Music service company Announces Blockchain & Initial Coin Offering

The content below was written for the April Fools, 2018. The material below is not factual or indicative of an actual product.

Audio streaming and artist tools company announced today that they intend to pivot their centralized music service to a blockchain model by their beta launch in the Spring. The company also disclosed details regarding a $100bn initial coin offering round for their new cryptocurrency sine, which they say will “help empower literal tens of artists.” The $100bn ICO round would make the company 2 times more valuable than Spotify after it IPOs on Tuesday, assuming that their ambitious fundraising goal is reached.

A press conference held on Tuesday where company CEO Noah Weidner, CTO Kian Moretz, and COO Brian Rutan all discussed the recent pivot, gave evidence as to why the company made the decision to transition to blockchain. “We are incredibly excited to make this transition to blockchain, as it is something we have seen as inevitable since we started our company,” Weidner said. “With the mania surrounding the cryptocurrency and decentralized movements, we thought it was time that we join the masses in moving to a more transparent and free future for our content.”

CTO Kian Moretz told reporters that he was very excited for the transition, considering that literally every other company in the entire startup industry is getting money to make cryptocurrencies without actually having a product. “The difference here is that we actually have something done and ready to go, it just requires a little bit of adapting.” When asked about the ‘adapting’, Moretz commented that it would be about 2 more months of development before it was all “ready to go.” However, he insisted that it would be worth the wait.

Before exiting the stage, however, proceeded to announce the start date of their ICO presale: May 11, 2018. They thanked their supporters and scores of prospective beta users and investors before offering a plea. “We’re excited about making a more transparent and accessible music industry,” COO Brian Rutan said. “The world is not anymore what it used to be, thanks to”

Rutan proceeded to yell “wave.aaaaaccc” as he exited the stage. Many analysts perceived this as a sign of aggression, meant to call out a proprietor of the Bitconnect pyramid scheme, Carlos Matos. We reached out to Matos for comment, but could not make contact, seeing as though he has actually disappeared off the face of the planet.

As they left the stage, however, social media was abuzz with controversy over what prompted the swift transition to a blockchain model. One such critic of the ICO deal, Trivago Hoogira, the CEO of Astrail Financial, claims that the team approached him more than eighteen times in the past six months regarding a completely different pivot.

“They came into my office and were exceedingly odd throughout the whole discussion,” Hoogira said. “They said that they were looking to pivot to making wave machines, like the wave machines you see in swimming pools. They said it was an untapped trillion dollar industry.”

In a recent TMZ interview, Weidner confirmed that’s primary business model was splitting into three separate businesses: music streaming, artist tools, and wave machines.

“We tried to keep the new development under wrap, but some people like to spoil our secrets,” Weidner said. “We think that wave machines are going to really liven up the party.”

When Weidner was asked if he attended any parties, he openly confessed that he is not a big fan of parties. “My theme song in life is ‘No More Parties in L.A’,” Weidner said. “Despite the fact I neither have listened to that song, nor been to LA.”

He digressed from the topic of parties, and added that wave-making was the future of the company and blockchain.

“sine is a cryptocurrency for making waves,” Weidner said. “And I mean that in the literal sense–not in the sense of ‘getting clout’ or whatever. When we launch it–wave.acon May 11, it’s really going to make a wave in the industry.”

Weidner has since venture to meet the Dalai Lama in India to discuss future business developments, including some that are believed to radically redefine the music industry as we know it. Rutan and Moretz comment that his brief visit will be a productive one, as they wrap up working on the website and sweeping the Internet to delete every mention of blockchain from press material.

“In all sincerity, this whole thing was a joke,” Moretz said. “Noah just used holograms of us and everyone got psyched.”

“Except that last part about May 11 and being worth $100bn, we’re pretty serious about that.”


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